I · Could · Float · Here · Forever · in · this · Sweetness!

I love you so goddamn much.
But not enough for you to demeanor me like this.

:(

Nick tried to say hi to me and I ignored him. I completely ignored his existence. I have to do this. Pretend like he doesn't exist. I'm not being cruel, it's just sometimes you have to sacrifice people in your life in order to be happy. I love Luis and in order for our happiness to exist i have to opt out Nick. Nick and I, well we just can not see each other at all in no matter form.  There was a time where he did listen to me and was a good friend. But he tried to be too involved with me and i couldn't let that happen. He also didn't want to let it happen. I can not say hi to him plainly just because i don't want to. I hate to have a lost a friend to stupid irresponsible decisions made.  But we both have lives of our own and can not involve each other in it. I'm sadden by this because i chose a boyfriend over a friend. I love Luis so much, so i had to. It's best we are not for Nick's sake and mine. I just felt bad for not saying hi. And he tried several times to get a hi out of me. I just couldn't put myself in that position that after all that happened between us, it's ok for us to say hi to each other.

I wish i could have told this to not have felt so guilty but no. I'm closing this issue and burying it. It's best if it was left alone. I just thought i could just say what i felt for one last time. 

I'm sorry Nick.  

Current Mood:

sad

And now living life on my own. My roommate is Alan. Crazy, wierd white kid. Funny. He's a very cool guy. He's definitely living up his end of the bargain. I on the other hand am struggling. I know I can do it. I can do this. And i will. He cooks. What more can I say? He's very cool. Sad though, i haven't seen home these past couple days. I've been at my bf house. I really want to stay home. But I am afraid to go to sleep by myself. Sad isn't it? I need company. And anyways I think Alan likes his privacy. This time away from home for me is good for him? Honestly I don't know but he'll be honest with me i'm sure he will.

Have I told you guys that I have a myspace???? If not? Do check me out and add if you like...
I'm off back to work, well just do nothing to be exact but au revoir!

www.myspace.com/bellahenny

And so i found livejournal again, somehow someway you've manage to still be here livejournal.
So on to rant.

I started school. My days are going by faster now. I didn't know it was friday until i got home and my uncle asked me to take him to the bank since it closes early tomorrow. I was like wtf? I saw the calender and there it was Friday Feb. 16th. Gee, it's really picking up some speed now.

Work is shit, I'm struggling for hours and trying to manage with 24 points well actually 25 now, a point of suspension. I can't afford a suspension, i have car payments, insurance, phone, rent, cell, school, and now to the top of the grand list...surgery payments. I haven't got new shoes for work. My chucks don't help for the cold greeting days at SW VIP so i need new ones. So i'm off of work on suspension...three events!

Life overall is as good as it can get. Though right now i'm dreading the call from my brother to head out to Arizona. It's my night off and i'm driving to Arizona!?
Please God for one day grant me some freaking mercy!!!!

I ran into Anabel today, man did i feel like shit. I need to keep my mouth shut though. She's a great person with such great ambition and what that idiot boyfriend of her did to her?! It's really all my fault I mean when I found out I really should have ended it all with Victor but I couldn't or I didn't want to. My god, and she doesn't even know. Imagine the things i don't know. When the world falls perfect onto you and you think everything is ok, there are, unfortunately, secrets. The worst possible secrets that can hurt you and leave you in dismay in a long run. But just knowing what i know could hurt Anabel in the worst possible way. I couldn't do that to her. This is just something i'm going to have to take to the grave.

Keeping my mouth shut doesn't seem to be a good idea in any case. I'm hurting with no intention of doing so.

Did i ever mention that in the end, I did get the guy? That guy. We went out on wedensday for lunch, and all i can think about when i was with him was, "Shit, everything i went through, all that pain, those tears, the endless thoughts of life just fucking hell, my god I had to go through that to get him?" It strikes me everyday.

Well then the unfortunate call from my brother came through, I'm off. I'll update sometime later.

~Henny

So much for trying to get things done early. So what to do for two hours? well actually an hour now. Since i spent the first hour looking for a damn computer that had internet access around here.

I wish i had a blanket right now. A big one. I should have layered at least. whatevers...

"And another woman couldn't take your spot! ...if i wrote you a love note, and made you smile at every word i wrote....baby it's you...this ring it represents my heart just say i do... so don't give away my love"

bored!!!!!!!

So let's see what can i tell you????
The usual?
why not?
nah...nevermind...damn i'm clueless of what to write. I feel like putting the volume up and dancing here. I'm completely awake. Thank you Caffine!!!!

...this is pointless....yet another pointless entry

i'll erase it next time i see this and think
"No more drugs when you're pissed"

i'm not pissed...i'm just tired...shit i don't even know what tired is compared to other people. But then again this is my tired. And i'll be awake for 7 more hours....yay...boo!

ok i am pissed, i have to admit that.
Maybe that's why i'm trying to write an entry.
I'm trying to let time go by quicker.
ok it's 1:24am only 36 more minutes till i do something progressive.
oh shit what if the flight is delayed?!
NOOOOOOOOOOO!

So please please please please let me get what i want...
lord knows it would be the first time...
it would be the last time...

have you ever seen that movie NEVER BEEN KISSED with Drew Barrymore?
well i liked her romance...in that movie.
It was perfect how everything fell in.
With the worst and the best.
The guy finding out she's doing a story on him and he never talks to her again
then she pours her heart out and does a public apology hoping he hears it
and he does and they fall in love and crap and well
i don't know if they live happily ever after but that
first kiss she got
damn!
Just like heaven.
i know i'm wierd to bring that up.
I just remember that movie and the romance and everything she goes through.

I was talking to a friend today bout how she reunited with her first love and she was telling me how he makes her feel and all the loveliness but she doesn't know what to do with the current boyfriend. She likes her current boyfriend but her first love makes her feel like a 16 year old again... She had this huge smile on her face when she talked bout him. It gave her this glow i never seen on her before. Like what love looks like on a person. My friend Brenda told me that's what you look like when you talk bout Luis. I laughed.
Love does exist, When i saw it on my friend, i was like wow she looks so happy...and at peace. without a care in the world.
i see it in my dad too, when he talks bout my mom.
My dad tells me he never thought he could love a woman more than his mother until after being with my mom for 20 years he realized that he wouldn't be alive if my mother weren't there. That's why he loves her.
I am so naive...

time to go back to work...yes!!!!

Sincerely,
Henny

-------------------

Dear Jordan,
Give up! All hope is lost you fucked! Don't force her to love you! or i'll force you in to your own fecal matter. You'll never know the worth of women if you talk about her family that way. You've really fucked up. She's not your toy. You're supposed to make her happy not fucking worry and annoy her. Gee give her space. She has a life and it doesn't revolve around you. Just leave her alone. Give her time. Love is meant to be taken with time and patience. You above all people need to learn that. But for now leave her the hell alone!

Sincerely,
Henny

-------------------

There are unfortunately still idiots out in the world you don't know how to treat a woman! Let this be a lesson to you men out there! You hurt one of my girls i swear to you, i'll hurt you till your dying day! We women get fucked in the head because of you idiots out there and because of you idiots, we lose the nice guys because you made us all paranoid!
Learn to appreciate your woman!